The Story of the Break Off Poo

I don't like crapping in public bathrooms. It's uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Your always sitting there ready to unload a Deuce McCallister when the random guy in the stall next to you starts breathing heavy. Next thing you know, you prairie dog it like a bad habit and have to wipe till you start seeing red. Break off that poo! Diddly poo if you ask Jim Mora. Now, playing battle shits with a buddy is a different story (Bogdan shout out) altogether though done in a public bathroom as well.  What does this have to do with hockey? Nothing. That was for you Ronald McDonald AKA 6'3 195, I'm so hot right now.

Now Polar Bear said I wasn't referential enough in my last post and since he/she makes up half of my total readers, I figure I should honor his request.

- 2-0 motherfuckas. Thank you Price for that start but NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU! (Billy Madison ref) Damn, I know he's Native and all but that goes to far. I think you deserve a benching. Halak a lot, you start next game.

- I was kidding JM, Price is money right now. So money. No one has been that money since Favreau made like Mr. Bojangles and swept Heather Graham off her feet (Swingers ref). Okay, so Halak is starting next game. I'm not happy about it cause I believe a hot goalie should be ridden like a finely aged hooker with cheap perfume who laughs at your naked body but you going back for more cause it's best you can afford (Balls of Fury ref). And no one is as hot as Price right now. We'll see if JM is right and I am wrong.

- Marc-Andre Bergeron is a Hab now. Pro's: He's got a Rocket Unit arm (Havas ref) and he's French. Con's: He can't play D, plays like a little girl and he speaks French. Our top D-men still have to pick up the slack. Here's looking at you Spacek, and no, not talking about "They're all going to laugh at you" Coal Miner's Daughter Spacek. That would be a blast from the past (Blast from the Past ref). I'm talking about Jaroslav Spacek. Step up (back into the streets) and deserve your 3+ mil per year.

- Smurf Line is the bomb. They keep prevailing when everything is against them. Kind of like the Zombieland crew. Gionta is Woody and keeps killing the enemy. Cammy is like Jesse Eisenberg cause they are both Jewish. Shalom. Gomez is like Emma Stone cause they are both... ahhh... American. Zombieland has actually nothing to do with the Smurf line, But man was that movie the shit.

I'm tired, gtg. Prediction of the night: Habs 21 Flames 0. Go Habs Go

See mom, no Ron Burgundy refs. I did it, I did it.

Go Fuck Yourself San Diego (Rob Burgundy ref)

The Beginning...and the End?

The long summer is over. Hockey is back. The Habs played on opening night last night against the the big bad bullshit Leafs. I spent most of the night trying to figure out the numbers on the backs. I was wondering why Tomb the Bomb AKA Stonehands Jackson AKA the Greek God of Grit was playing D. It's tough when #6 represents one player for so long but now represents Spacek (Who looks off a little bit). Yes, we won. Most of you who will read this will have just learned that revelation. I'm talking to you Polar Bear. cyplove!!!! Sasslove?

Some Points:

- Price was great (Thank God) but he's only one game away from being terrible. 42 saves should give the man at least 2 bad games. 

- Gill was terrible, really fucking terrible. He was as bad as Lamar Odom's decision making when he married the ugly Kardishian. Proof he still smokes way to much pot. Gill, stop with the fucking lazy backward passes in your own zone. But it's only one game. Odom's married for life or until the divorce. I'll take the latter.

- Gionta should be and will be captain. Reason #1) I love this guy #2) Get to that reason later #3) He's a smurf

- AK47. WTF????? I loved you once, make me love you again. Did I just kind of steal that from Gladiator? Score.

- Kovyyyyyyyy!!! I still love you.

- Pleky was our best player sans Price for the entire game. I hate how people trash a player who plays hard on D even when he's slumping on O. The guy was brought up as a checker. We've mistaken him for Alex "I'll slash your throat" Perezogin. Any offence is a plus, 69 pts (haha) or 39 pts.

- Komi is a pussy. I hope he dislocates his freakin' shoulder and can never play again. Hey Komi, if you guys played so well, why'd you lose? Oh ya, cause you took five minor penalties to stupid piece of shit.

- The Breeze. I'm so happy you'll be taking that unbelievable outlet pass and flowing hair to the Canadian Nascar League. You can fuck up your car now instead of my life.

- Note to Carbo: When you play Metro on the PP, make sure he scores. Win one for JM.

FINAL NOTE: Reason #2 for Gionta captaincy - Markov is out for 2-4 months. HOLY SHIT, WE ARE FUCKED. I mean we just lost our best player for half a season. I'm trying not to panic but this is bad. We need to make like Mel Brooks' history and ask for a miracle. We're 1-0. Keep telling yourself that but last night feels like a lost. 

That's it. Toodles and go fuck yourself San Diego.

The Pessimist is out (Burn on that Jim Rome)