My Long Awaited Return From The Dark Side (no, I was never a Yankee fan)

Hello young lads as my late grade 6 English teacher and hockey mentor Mr. Barrett would say. He would also say, "life is unfair, but life is good" (He died of a heart attack at 55 mowing his lawn). That quote saved me as I've grown enough (still not enough to allow women to anchor nightly news Ron Burgundy) to move forward in life and think about the positive. Let me remind everyone (Polar Bear, Maislin, Adam Hagel, Skinny Matt, the angels in the outfield, and Harry and the Hendersons) how I fell off the wagon or on it depending on if this is an episode of Seinfeld.

- My sweet Habs drove me to alcoholism. After finishing 1st in the East 2 years ago and beating Boston (suck it Triple H style) in round one, I was stoked for last year. Same team plus Tanguay and Lang (who smells CHAMPIONSHIP?). The first half went great. We were ahead of the pace from the year before, Price looked great, and we were led by L'Artiste himself, ALex Kovalev (He's like the Anti-Voldermort, few speak his name as he is just too great but in a good way). The All-Star game was the peak as L'Artiste kissed the heavens and won MVP in his home rink. Even the stench of Carbo and Breezer weren't bothering me that much as well as the stone hands of Tom the Bomb (the Bomb cause when he fights the opposing player lands bombs on his face). But then to make a long story short because I do not want relapse, we fucked it all up and then got swept by the FUCKIN bruins. God I hate them. So I drank and drank and drank and then went to the doctor's office and was told I should stop to save my liver and then I drank and drank and then blacked out only to hook up with a fat chick (Polar Bear says fat chicks need loing too) and then I drank and then came across that quote of Mr. Barrett's (Dief the chief - Union Jack). Last season was last season and it was unfair but next season is just around the corner with all new hopes and aspirations that are unrealistic. Michael Jackson still being alive is pretty unrealistic but Vegas still has odds on it. God life is good. So now I still drink but with a smile on my face as I wait for next year. Here are some thoughts on the moves.

Gone: are Breezer, Carbo (really last year but who's reading this shit anyways), and the Greek God TTB (more like weak God). Yippeeeeeee.

Best Move: Cammalleri - finally some Jew blood on this team that doesn't need Viagra and I'm looking at you Schnieder. Milwaukee's got Braun, Nevada had Sammy Davis Jr., Minnesota had Rod Carew (converted...so did Sammy), and now we got Cams. Let me tell you something, Jews are persistent motherfuckers. Don't get in the way of a Jew. We survived Merchant of Venice, WWII, and if you get in our way now, we'll guilt you like you've never been guilted before. Word of advice men, marry a chicksa if you want to be happy.

2nd best: Jaro Spacek - He seems good at D, has an decent nickname (space) and will give Hammer some company as they are both Czech. Hammer needs a friend just like everyone else.

Random Pop Culture Question of the Night: What is the funnier word to come out of Jim Mora's mouth? 1) PLAYoffs 2) Diddly Poo

Biggest Trend: North American Grit - We've added a Canadian Jew, a Mexican Columbian Alaskan who make 7.3 mil a year (we already have problems with drugs in this city), a 5'7 American who I wrote my SAT essay on (I can't make this stuff up), two NA D-men over 6'3, a Canadian who was on CORNER GAS (wow that's Canadian. If you read this and don't know Corner Gas, you're not Canadian or black). That's a lot of grit, like hockey mom grit.

Worst Move: KOVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! My baby is gone forever. I feel like the Ding ate My Baby. Why Gainey Why? I've lost my soulmate. The way he snaps the puck top corner never smiling, goes to clubs to try to get the kids in bed, kisses the crown as his goldielocks blows through the cold breeze, the way you play the saxophone. This is too hard, I think Gov. Sanford can better put my love in words. Sanford - "You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself in the faded glow of night’s light." Goodbye Kovy

Goodbyes: Koivu - After a great rookie year, many injuries, cancer, a stick to the eye, some ice cubes and a nine iron (just kidding, that's some Billy Madison), and 9 years of captain of the winningest team in NHL history where you failed to win one cup. Even Breezer did that. Good luck with the Ducks except when we whoop your ass. Also goodbyes - Higgins, Tangy, Langer, the Cube, and Dandy.

I did not say goodbye to Komi because he can go fuck himself. I have to burn my jersey now because he is a Maple Laff. I hope his shoulder is damaged for life.

Finally welcome Jacques Martin. I'll give you a chance after dealing with Carbo. But your leash will have little slack. I'll yank you like a bad doggy and I hate dogs if you screw this up.

On that happy note, Go Habs Go, peace out folks, and thank you Mr. Barrett for showing me the light (cue John Williams music).