F. U. C. K. Y. O. U. H. A. B. S.
That's my new license plate until shit gets figured out. Don't worry everyone, as much as you think I'm Bill Simmons, I'm not (Though I'm still fucking hilarious). I will make numerous grammatical errors in this post probably and it won't be 750 pages long. Also I think Larry Bird was overrated cause he was white cause he was. Win one for the Isiah train (its been a tough last 15 years). I am back, we are 8-10, and we suck dick more then Rupaul after Labor Day but not prior (He gets off on white). Where to begin. Let's start here.....
- SK74 is many things. He's selfish, somewhat chaotic, maniacal, gang banger who uses highlights. You know what else he does Mr. I don't say more then three words unless what I just said was "Did I just Fart?" (4 words) Gainey? Sergie lights up the lamp. And in case you didn't notice, WE CAN'T SCORE!!!! His brother is lost, dealing with male pattern baldness this side of Andre Agassi and is in a loveless marriage (not true?). You know what's next? Meth!!! Please let SK74 save Big Titz, all tits, the Habs, the season, the fans, and Christmas.
- Gomez should give back half his salary now and I'm not being harsh. A player in a tight game who gets a breakaway and is the highest paid player on that team is 1) expected, 2) should, 3) will deliver a goal. Instead we get a whiff. 4 points in the last 9 games for 7.5 million. Hogwash I say.
- JM, do something!!! Play 4 forwards, fire Muller, fire yourself, lose some weight, become Jewish (has some perks???? No, that was a bad suggestion) but do something. We are almost at the 20 game mark, a mark in which a man who almost became GM of the Wild but didn't adn now yells at the screen as a commentator said would be the defining indicator of how good the Habs are. 10-10 buys you another day but 8-12, off with your head. Only Charlie (Weiss) the Hut gets that many lives.
- Heroes: Dexter, Kenny Powers (Go fuck yourself) , Kate Hudson (for seeing more penis then Heidi Fleiss on a bad day) and Chris "The Kaveman" Kaman for letting your goldie locks go.
-Zeros: The Habs, the Habs coaches, the Habs, trainers, the Habs vendors, even Youppi, and Polar Bear's father for blaming it on the rotator cuff.
- Defence, I don't like using cus words as you can see from my writing so I would like to just say, "Officer Cruptke, Crupt You!" but fuck you MAB, you're worst then Breezer and you don't even have his hair. That reminds me, Breeeeeeezeerrrr!
That's all folks. I got through without any Will Ferrell or Adam Sandler jokes. They should make a movie together called Billy Madison Meets Ricky Bobby. I think it has potential like the keyboard neck tie.
Peace Out: Compton, Polar Bear, and that ugly kid who became friends with me in 5th grade cause he begged while leaning against the soccer pole.
Go fuck yourself San Diego Canadiens,
Pessimist
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Story of the Break Off Poo
I don't like crapping in public bathrooms. It's uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Your always sitting there ready to unload a Deuce McCallister when the random guy in the stall next to you starts breathing heavy. Next thing you know, you prairie dog it like a bad habit and have to wipe till you start seeing red. Break off that poo! Diddly poo if you ask Jim Mora. Now, playing battle shits with a buddy is a different story (Bogdan shout out) altogether though done in a public bathroom as well. What does this have to do with hockey? Nothing. That was for you Ronald McDonald AKA 6'3 195, I'm so hot right now.
Now Polar Bear said I wasn't referential enough in my last post and since he/she makes up half of my total readers, I figure I should honor his request.
- 2-0 motherfuckas. Thank you Price for that start but NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU! (Billy Madison ref) Damn, I know he's Native and all but that goes to far. I think you deserve a benching. Halak a lot, you start next game.
- I was kidding JM, Price is money right now. So money. No one has been that money since Favreau made like Mr. Bojangles and swept Heather Graham off her feet (Swingers ref). Okay, so Halak is starting next game. I'm not happy about it cause I believe a hot goalie should be ridden like a finely aged hooker with cheap perfume who laughs at your naked body but you going back for more cause it's best you can afford (Balls of Fury ref). And no one is as hot as Price right now. We'll see if JM is right and I am wrong.
- Marc-Andre Bergeron is a Hab now. Pro's: He's got a Rocket Unit arm (Havas ref) and he's French. Con's: He can't play D, plays like a little girl and he speaks French. Our top D-men still have to pick up the slack. Here's looking at you Spacek, and no, not talking about "They're all going to laugh at you" Coal Miner's Daughter Spacek. That would be a blast from the past (Blast from the Past ref). I'm talking about Jaroslav Spacek. Step up (back into the streets) and deserve your 3+ mil per year.
- Smurf Line is the bomb. They keep prevailing when everything is against them. Kind of like the Zombieland crew. Gionta is Woody and keeps killing the enemy. Cammy is like Jesse Eisenberg cause they are both Jewish. Shalom. Gomez is like Emma Stone cause they are both... ahhh... American. Zombieland has actually nothing to do with the Smurf line, But man was that movie the shit.
I'm tired, gtg. Prediction of the night: Habs 21 Flames 0. Go Habs Go
See mom, no Ron Burgundy refs. I did it, I did it.
Go Fuck Yourself San Diego (Rob Burgundy ref)
Friday, October 2, 2009
The Beginning...and the End?
The long summer is over. Hockey is back. The Habs played on opening night last night against the the big bad bullshit Leafs. I spent most of the night trying to figure out the numbers on the backs. I was wondering why Tomb the Bomb AKA Stonehands Jackson AKA the Greek God of Grit was playing D. It's tough when #6 represents one player for so long but now represents Spacek (Who looks off a little bit). Yes, we won. Most of you who will read this will have just learned that revelation. I'm talking to you Polar Bear. cyplove!!!! Sasslove?
Some Points:
- Price was great (Thank God) but he's only one game away from being terrible. 42 saves should give the man at least 2 bad games.
- Gill was terrible, really fucking terrible. He was as bad as Lamar Odom's decision making when he married the ugly Kardishian. Proof he still smokes way to much pot. Gill, stop with the fucking lazy backward passes in your own zone. But it's only one game. Odom's married for life or until the divorce. I'll take the latter.
- Gionta should be and will be captain. Reason #1) I love this guy #2) Get to that reason later #3) He's a smurf
- AK47. WTF????? I loved you once, make me love you again. Did I just kind of steal that from Gladiator? Score.
- Kovyyyyyyyy!!! I still love you.
- Pleky was our best player sans Price for the entire game. I hate how people trash a player who plays hard on D even when he's slumping on O. The guy was brought up as a checker. We've mistaken him for Alex "I'll slash your throat" Perezogin. Any offence is a plus, 69 pts (haha) or 39 pts.
- Komi is a pussy. I hope he dislocates his freakin' shoulder and can never play again. Hey Komi, if you guys played so well, why'd you lose? Oh ya, cause you took five minor penalties to stupid piece of shit.
- The Breeze. I'm so happy you'll be taking that unbelievable outlet pass and flowing hair to the Canadian Nascar League. You can fuck up your car now instead of my life.
- Note to Carbo: When you play Metro on the PP, make sure he scores. Win one for JM.
FINAL NOTE: Reason #2 for Gionta captaincy - Markov is out for 2-4 months. HOLY SHIT, WE ARE FUCKED. I mean we just lost our best player for half a season. I'm trying not to panic but this is bad. We need to make like Mel Brooks' history and ask for a miracle. We're 1-0. Keep telling yourself that but last night feels like a lost.
That's it. Toodles and go fuck yourself San Diego.
The Pessimist is out (Burn on that Jim Rome)
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Work Your Groove Thing
Hey my loyal and good looking group of followers (Heegs, Skinny, Bogdan, Wigs, Logan Mankins, and the Polar Bear - I didn't forget you Maislin, "You're just so damn ugly." Yes, that was a Planet of the Apes reference. Money in the bank). I'm working right now at my desk and was wondering how I can waste another hour. If your thinking what I'm thinking right now you have a filthy mind. No, I'm actually thinking about hockey blogging which is still kind of filthy. But today I going to mess with the formula 51. I'm going to recap my last 24 hours to give you my state of mind while writing about the Habs which will come after.
Last Night: It was a Frat show on the row for welcome week. I made like Sally Field and got pretty drunk. It was a year ago to the day that I saw this girl who I sat next too in Anthropology casue she's shot and told her "I think you're hot." And the what did she say? And then what he did you say? And then what did she say? (That's for you Sedgewick) We then spent 42 glorious minutes together and then went our own ways. Well last night, one year later, BOOM, she walks into the party. So I'm like "I'm going to have a good night." But then a Frat guy who likes her throws me out on the street. Then I realize my phone is gone and I have work the next day which is why I'm at work right now. Great night. So now I'm hungover writing to you, my loyal and finger lickin' good looking followers. Cool story Hansel. Now the Habs.
Habs
I'm going to make like Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Even Denny Crane thinks she's hot) and make my own hot list of what's on my mind at this very momoent pertaining to the Habs.
1) George Laraque was born to be in one of the those Patrick Chewing commercials. We could call him Laraque Obama or George Chewing. Hilarious!
2) Scott Gomez will get the captaincy cause he's our highest paid player, our first line center, and he can't shut the fuck up. But if I had my choosing it would be Mike Cammalleri cause he's Jewish. How many Jewish captains have there been in NHL history? How 'bout sports history? Maybe Hank Greenberg and Dolph Schayes. That's it. Score one for the Jews Mike.
3) Will Ferrel must make a hockey movie and combine the titles Blades of Glory and Balls of Fury to call the film, Blades of Fury (Balls of Glory just doesn't work as well).
4) This is harder then I thought, the off season is just so damn boring. I should just pass out at a hairdresser. Oh Wait. Check. Done that already.
5) Why does Zooey Deschanel have to be so mean in 5oo Days of Summer? I wish she was more like herself in Yes Man or Failure to Launch. Who am I?
6) I'm out of shit to say so I'll leave you all with a pearl of wisdom: If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down. Just kidding. What I meant to say was that it doesn't matter who we bring in or let go, The whole season is predicated on the play of Carey Price. If he steps up like Jenna Dewan, we are in fine shape. If he goes AWOL like Nick in the Deer Hunter then we're screwed. As simple as that.
See you guys on the flip side.
Last Night: It was a Frat show on the row for welcome week. I made like Sally Field and got pretty drunk. It was a year ago to the day that I saw this girl who I sat next too in Anthropology casue she's shot and told her "I think you're hot." And the what did she say? And then what he did you say? And then what did she say? (That's for you Sedgewick) We then spent 42 glorious minutes together and then went our own ways. Well last night, one year later, BOOM, she walks into the party. So I'm like "I'm going to have a good night." But then a Frat guy who likes her throws me out on the street. Then I realize my phone is gone and I have work the next day which is why I'm at work right now. Great night. So now I'm hungover writing to you, my loyal and finger lickin' good looking followers. Cool story Hansel. Now the Habs.
Habs
I'm going to make like Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Even Denny Crane thinks she's hot) and make my own hot list of what's on my mind at this very momoent pertaining to the Habs.
1) George Laraque was born to be in one of the those Patrick Chewing commercials. We could call him Laraque Obama or George Chewing. Hilarious!
2) Scott Gomez will get the captaincy cause he's our highest paid player, our first line center, and he can't shut the fuck up. But if I had my choosing it would be Mike Cammalleri cause he's Jewish. How many Jewish captains have there been in NHL history? How 'bout sports history? Maybe Hank Greenberg and Dolph Schayes. That's it. Score one for the Jews Mike.
3) Will Ferrel must make a hockey movie and combine the titles Blades of Glory and Balls of Fury to call the film, Blades of Fury (Balls of Glory just doesn't work as well).
4) This is harder then I thought, the off season is just so damn boring. I should just pass out at a hairdresser. Oh Wait. Check. Done that already.
5) Why does Zooey Deschanel have to be so mean in 5oo Days of Summer? I wish she was more like herself in Yes Man or Failure to Launch. Who am I?
6) I'm out of shit to say so I'll leave you all with a pearl of wisdom: If it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown, flush it down. Just kidding. What I meant to say was that it doesn't matter who we bring in or let go, The whole season is predicated on the play of Carey Price. If he steps up like Jenna Dewan, we are in fine shape. If he goes AWOL like Nick in the Deer Hunter then we're screwed. As simple as that.
See you guys on the flip side.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
My Long Awaited Return From The Dark Side (no, I was never a Yankee fan)
Hello young lads as my late grade 6 English teacher and hockey mentor Mr. Barrett would say. He would also say, "life is unfair, but life is good" (He died of a heart attack at 55 mowing his lawn). That quote saved me as I've grown enough (still not enough to allow women to anchor nightly news Ron Burgundy) to move forward in life and think about the positive. Let me remind everyone (Polar Bear, Maislin, Adam Hagel, Skinny Matt, the angels in the outfield, and Harry and the Hendersons) how I fell off the wagon or on it depending on if this is an episode of Seinfeld.
- My sweet Habs drove me to alcoholism. After finishing 1st in the East 2 years ago and beating Boston (suck it Triple H style) in round one, I was stoked for last year. Same team plus Tanguay and Lang (who smells CHAMPIONSHIP?). The first half went great. We were ahead of the pace from the year before, Price looked great, and we were led by L'Artiste himself, ALex Kovalev (He's like the Anti-Voldermort, few speak his name as he is just too great but in a good way). The All-Star game was the peak as L'Artiste kissed the heavens and won MVP in his home rink. Even the stench of Carbo and Breezer weren't bothering me that much as well as the stone hands of Tom the Bomb (the Bomb cause when he fights the opposing player lands bombs on his face). But then to make a long story short because I do not want relapse, we fucked it all up and then got swept by the FUCKIN bruins. God I hate them. So I drank and drank and drank and then went to the doctor's office and was told I should stop to save my liver and then I drank and drank and then blacked out only to hook up with a fat chick (Polar Bear says fat chicks need loing too) and then I drank and then came across that quote of Mr. Barrett's (Dief the chief - Union Jack). Last season was last season and it was unfair but next season is just around the corner with all new hopes and aspirations that are unrealistic. Michael Jackson still being alive is pretty unrealistic but Vegas still has odds on it. God life is good. So now I still drink but with a smile on my face as I wait for next year. Here are some thoughts on the moves.
Gone: are Breezer, Carbo (really last year but who's reading this shit anyways), and the Greek God TTB (more like weak God). Yippeeeeeee.
Best Move: Cammalleri - finally some Jew blood on this team that doesn't need Viagra and I'm looking at you Schnieder. Milwaukee's got Braun, Nevada had Sammy Davis Jr., Minnesota had Rod Carew (converted...so did Sammy), and now we got Cams. Let me tell you something, Jews are persistent motherfuckers. Don't get in the way of a Jew. We survived Merchant of Venice, WWII, and if you get in our way now, we'll guilt you like you've never been guilted before. Word of advice men, marry a chicksa if you want to be happy.
2nd best: Jaro Spacek - He seems good at D, has an decent nickname (space) and will give Hammer some company as they are both Czech. Hammer needs a friend just like everyone else.
Random Pop Culture Question of the Night: What is the funnier word to come out of Jim Mora's mouth? 1) PLAYoffs 2) Diddly Poo
Biggest Trend: North American Grit - We've added a Canadian Jew, a Mexican Columbian Alaskan who make 7.3 mil a year (we already have problems with drugs in this city), a 5'7 American who I wrote my SAT essay on (I can't make this stuff up), two NA D-men over 6'3, a Canadian who was on CORNER GAS (wow that's Canadian. If you read this and don't know Corner Gas, you're not Canadian or black). That's a lot of grit, like hockey mom grit.
Worst Move: KOVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! My baby is gone forever. I feel like the Ding ate My Baby. Why Gainey Why? I've lost my soulmate. The way he snaps the puck top corner never smiling, goes to clubs to try to get the kids in bed, kisses the crown as his goldielocks blows through the cold breeze, the way you play the saxophone. This is too hard, I think Gov. Sanford can better put my love in words. Sanford - "You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself in the faded glow of night’s light." Goodbye Kovy
Goodbyes: Koivu - After a great rookie year, many injuries, cancer, a stick to the eye, some ice cubes and a nine iron (just kidding, that's some Billy Madison), and 9 years of captain of the winningest team in NHL history where you failed to win one cup. Even Breezer did that. Good luck with the Ducks except when we whoop your ass. Also goodbyes - Higgins, Tangy, Langer, the Cube, and Dandy.
I did not say goodbye to Komi because he can go fuck himself. I have to burn my jersey now because he is a Maple Laff. I hope his shoulder is damaged for life.
Finally welcome Jacques Martin. I'll give you a chance after dealing with Carbo. But your leash will have little slack. I'll yank you like a bad doggy and I hate dogs if you screw this up.
On that happy note, Go Habs Go, peace out folks, and thank you Mr. Barrett for showing me the light (cue John Williams music).
- My sweet Habs drove me to alcoholism. After finishing 1st in the East 2 years ago and beating Boston (suck it Triple H style) in round one, I was stoked for last year. Same team plus Tanguay and Lang (who smells CHAMPIONSHIP?). The first half went great. We were ahead of the pace from the year before, Price looked great, and we were led by L'Artiste himself, ALex Kovalev (He's like the Anti-Voldermort, few speak his name as he is just too great but in a good way). The All-Star game was the peak as L'Artiste kissed the heavens and won MVP in his home rink. Even the stench of Carbo and Breezer weren't bothering me that much as well as the stone hands of Tom the Bomb (the Bomb cause when he fights the opposing player lands bombs on his face). But then to make a long story short because I do not want relapse, we fucked it all up and then got swept by the FUCKIN bruins. God I hate them. So I drank and drank and drank and then went to the doctor's office and was told I should stop to save my liver and then I drank and drank and then blacked out only to hook up with a fat chick (Polar Bear says fat chicks need loing too) and then I drank and then came across that quote of Mr. Barrett's (Dief the chief - Union Jack). Last season was last season and it was unfair but next season is just around the corner with all new hopes and aspirations that are unrealistic. Michael Jackson still being alive is pretty unrealistic but Vegas still has odds on it. God life is good. So now I still drink but with a smile on my face as I wait for next year. Here are some thoughts on the moves.
Gone: are Breezer, Carbo (really last year but who's reading this shit anyways), and the Greek God TTB (more like weak God). Yippeeeeeee.
Best Move: Cammalleri - finally some Jew blood on this team that doesn't need Viagra and I'm looking at you Schnieder. Milwaukee's got Braun, Nevada had Sammy Davis Jr., Minnesota had Rod Carew (converted...so did Sammy), and now we got Cams. Let me tell you something, Jews are persistent motherfuckers. Don't get in the way of a Jew. We survived Merchant of Venice, WWII, and if you get in our way now, we'll guilt you like you've never been guilted before. Word of advice men, marry a chicksa if you want to be happy.
2nd best: Jaro Spacek - He seems good at D, has an decent nickname (space) and will give Hammer some company as they are both Czech. Hammer needs a friend just like everyone else.
Random Pop Culture Question of the Night: What is the funnier word to come out of Jim Mora's mouth? 1) PLAYoffs 2) Diddly Poo
Biggest Trend: North American Grit - We've added a Canadian Jew, a Mexican Columbian Alaskan who make 7.3 mil a year (we already have problems with drugs in this city), a 5'7 American who I wrote my SAT essay on (I can't make this stuff up), two NA D-men over 6'3, a Canadian who was on CORNER GAS (wow that's Canadian. If you read this and don't know Corner Gas, you're not Canadian or black). That's a lot of grit, like hockey mom grit.
Worst Move: KOVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! My baby is gone forever. I feel like the Ding ate My Baby. Why Gainey Why? I've lost my soulmate. The way he snaps the puck top corner never smiling, goes to clubs to try to get the kids in bed, kisses the crown as his goldielocks blows through the cold breeze, the way you play the saxophone. This is too hard, I think Gov. Sanford can better put my love in words. Sanford - "You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that is so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself in the faded glow of night’s light." Goodbye Kovy
Goodbyes: Koivu - After a great rookie year, many injuries, cancer, a stick to the eye, some ice cubes and a nine iron (just kidding, that's some Billy Madison), and 9 years of captain of the winningest team in NHL history where you failed to win one cup. Even Breezer did that. Good luck with the Ducks except when we whoop your ass. Also goodbyes - Higgins, Tangy, Langer, the Cube, and Dandy.
I did not say goodbye to Komi because he can go fuck himself. I have to burn my jersey now because he is a Maple Laff. I hope his shoulder is damaged for life.
Finally welcome Jacques Martin. I'll give you a chance after dealing with Carbo. But your leash will have little slack. I'll yank you like a bad doggy and I hate dogs if you screw this up.
On that happy note, Go Habs Go, peace out folks, and thank you Mr. Barrett for showing me the light (cue John Williams music).
Friday, April 10, 2009
WE MADE IT TO THE PLAYOFFS!
Yes, I quit posting a long time ago as I retired due to fustration. But a lot has happened to me in the last 2 months. I went to Cabo for a week, then came back from Cabo and now I'm here. Like I said, a lot has happened to me. The real reason I'm hear is because Tiger Woods is playing like an asshole in the Masters and I need to vent about something else. So hear goes me trying to be positive about the Habs.
- Carbo's gone. I still hope he shoots himself in the face and then dies.
- Gainey's the coach. I think his nickname is "the clown" cause he smiles so much.
- Kovalev's back. I knew it was going to happen eventually.
- Breezer didn't play last night. But he's still on the team. I also hope he shoots himself in the face and then dies. BREEEEEEEZERRRR!!!!
- We're in the playoffs. Hooray
I'm sorry everyone (nobody, cause I'm the only person who is ever this site so I'm actually writing to myself. LONELINESS) but I'm just to depressed right now cause of Tiger to be any more optimistic. I 'm now going to cry.
Go Habs GO
- Carbo's gone. I still hope he shoots himself in the face and then dies.
- Gainey's the coach. I think his nickname is "the clown" cause he smiles so much.
- Kovalev's back. I knew it was going to happen eventually.
- Breezer didn't play last night. But he's still on the team. I also hope he shoots himself in the face and then dies. BREEEEEEEZERRRR!!!!
- We're in the playoffs. Hooray
I'm sorry everyone (nobody, cause I'm the only person who is ever this site so I'm actually writing to myself. LONELINESS) but I'm just to depressed right now cause of Tiger to be any more optimistic. I 'm now going to cry.
Go Habs GO
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